I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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