i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
