***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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