I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize