I think im going to throw up on grandma
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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