Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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