I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
