her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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