he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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