He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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