the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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