Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
