i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
