tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
