No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
