shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
