My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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