I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You are a booty call, not a friend.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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