I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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