ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
