No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
