he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
