Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
