very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
