Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
