I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
