did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Randomize
