Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
