He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
