You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
