Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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