i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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