I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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