woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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