she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
