did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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