Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
