so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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