Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
