so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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