I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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