Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
