My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
