Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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