i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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