Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
don't judge my taste in strippers
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
