I have demons in me.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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