i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
