Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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