I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
