I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
