My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
