Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
birth control should be required to get into college
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
