had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
