but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Just cropdusted the office
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
