I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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