ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
