I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize