i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
