if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
just tell him i said nine months
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
