just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize