youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
