I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
