I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize