So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
