did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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