You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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