So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize