And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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